Life is Hard.

I know in my last post I said I would come back with a better attitude. Well, my attitude is better but I'm just going to be honest and let you know that I'm struggling. I've not had the "umph" to blog or write about any of it until now. I'm tucked up in my bed this chilly Sunday afternoon, the girls are napping and Marc is watching the Ryder Cup so maybe I can squeak some words out.

Life is hard. I know you know that. But I have just felt like it's been beating me to death lately. I've been extremely aware of my selfish nature lately.... with the girls, with Marc, with every thing it seems!

We've got several sets of friends who are struggling deeply. My heart hurts for them. Marriages on the verge of ending. And this makes me take stock of our own. I think we would all agree that there are different seasons in marriage and it's good every once in a while to look at your own and see where you can make improvements.

But most of you who know me, know that if something is meant to warn you, it will absolutely eat me alive! Instead of taking a healthy look at things, I freak out. I worry. I obsess. Then I get depressed. Not a good cycle.

Back up a few weeks and you will see that we were getting into the routine of life back in the UK. It's hard being 7 months with family and friends and then suddenly it's over. The girls were grumpy, which made me grumpy, etc. School got us back into routine and that was a good distraction for us all. It also made the girls tired and cranky and so the past few weeks have been hard discipline wise to deal with. I mean life with three little girls is tough, amen? It just seems like it's one thing after another during these young years- there is no "off" switch to parenting is there? This naturally led to me feeling like I was the biggest grump of a mom on the planet. I would lose my temper, raise my voice and just generally feel like I could do nothing right. My house got out of order very quickly after putting it back in order once we got here and that annoyed me to no end. I'm probably OCD when it comes to a clean house and I'm learning to let go of some of that at this stage of life. Add this to the fact that I'm feeling bad about my lack of exercise, lack of consistent time in the Word and I was a mess.

Anyway, all of this combined has made me fearful that we might not survive the raising kids years. Would Marc and I still have a good marriage in a few years? Would we survive this thing? Surely I'm not the only one who has thought these things?? I'm doing my best to get up each morning before the girls (that's the way it works best for me) so I can be alone in a quiet house and read my Bible before the day comes rushing in. I'm trying hard to exercise (walk everywhere I go now) and lose this weight. I'm trying hard to chill out about the house work.

I'm trying, trying, trying. But somedays I wonder if that's good enough. I find great comfort in these verses:

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders. Deuteronomy 33:12

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us! We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:9-10

I'm not really sure how to end this blog post, but just felt that I needed to share why the blog has been so quiet lately. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite so I will not pretend things are peachy when they are not. But I also don't want to be Debbie Downer- which quite frankly is what I can be without much effort at all. :) Marc and I have had a good chat about all of this on Friday night and I chatted to my mom last night. It just boils down to this: I want to be found faithful. I want to love my family well and I need Jesus to help me, especially on the days that it does not come easily.

This is just me, being honest.
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