What If?

One thing Marc has always said to me is, "We do not live in a what-if world." Last week marked 12 years since our first date. 12 years? It October 4th, 1996. Sometimes I wonder why he continued dating me, because those years were the height of my worry, anxiety and fear. (You thought I worried a lot right now!)

I probably read too many blogs. I enjoy reading other blogs, it's fun, entertaining and insightful. But there are several blogs out there that I read that have affected me- in good and bad ways. I've never been more aware of the tragedies in life- is it because I'm older now and more aware of things happening? I have come across several blogs in the last few months that have caused me to sit at my computer and sob. Some of you are thinking- then stop reading them! And I do admit that I have to be careful not to become obsessed with these stories- there needs to be a balance for me. Some stories of tragedy have made me wonder how people walk through them without the Lord and the hope that we have in Jesus. Other stories have reminded me how God is so involved in each detail of our life and that He causes all things to work together for good. Even in the midst of deep, deep sorrow.

I'm so aware lately, probably because of reading these blogs and other things that are going on, that I really have no control. Ding, ding, ding. I've known this, but have not let myself think too hard about it nor let is sink too deep into my heart. Because I like to think I have control. There is nothing like pregnancy to really teach a person that you are not in control!

I love my little family so much that I can not imagine a day without them. I have cried over a blog of a sweet couple that just lost their almost two year old in a tragic way. Several that have lost a spouse- one only hours after giving birth to a precious baby girl. You know where I'm going with this, right? FEAR. I've shared before how this is my stronghold and if I let it, it can become all- consuming. This has been strong on my mind this past week. When I put the girls to bed and scratch their little backs, I can't imagine not being able to do that for them.

*What if the Lord calls one of my girls home before me?
*What if the Lord calls Marc home before me?
*What if I die giving birth? What will my family do without me? How will Marc raise 3 girls?


Marc returns today, he's been in Spain for the last 5 days at a retreat. Thankfully, we made it through with no major temper tantrums or break downs- me or the girls! Ha. But it's made me realize how much I depend on Marc and how wonderful he is. I felt convicted during this time that I was not putting the Lord first, even over my family. I was only able to talk to Marc once, which was really hard, but kind of good in a way. I realize that I go to him for everything. The thought just came to me this week that I need to be that way with the Lord- I need to be more dependant on HIM than I am on Marc. I'm not guaranteed to walk through life with Marc by my side. I would certainly choose that, but it's not a promise. That is a really difficult thing for me to even admit in my heart, much less type it here.

I use to say, "I could never handle that" or "Surely the Lord would not ask that of me!" But, you know, He asked it of Steven Curtis Chapman's family recently. And He asked it of these people that I don't even know, but who blog about it. It's encouraging to see that these people are making it. They are heavy in grief and sorrow, but they are making it. I know I will make it too if something ever happened. I don't even want to admit that, but with the Lord alone, I can make it. That is a scary thought, but it's true.

Looking into the future sometimes only causes anxiety for me. Living in my little "what if" world doesn't cut it. I'm thankfully Marc refuses to join me there. :) All I can do is trust Him completely and know that loves my babies and husband more than I ever could, then I have to let go. I've had a tight grip on them, and it's time to release them. And it's so hard.

Posterous theme by Cory Watilo