A Common Thread

I was cleaning out the pile of stuff under my side of the bed when I came across an old journal that I had written in 9 years ago. Curious, I flipped through the pages and recalled some of the events and circumstances that were going on in my life at the time. I almost laughed out loud a few times at some of my prayer requests- and thought, "I was worried about that? How silly!" We had just gotten married and we were living in campus apartments while I was finishing up my last year of college, which meant student teaching was one of those semester. Oh the things I was concerned about! Ha. Of course I can say that, looking back now and knowing the outcome. I wrote many things like, "Lord, please forgive my attitude towards my husband" and "I'm so sorry Lord I have not spent time with you lately." Hmmm, I still say those things today! Some things were sad for me to read, especially some of the struggles I was dealing with. I just wish I could go back to myself at that time and tell me to chill out and enjoy life a little bit. But the common thread throughout that journal, and many others over the years, was one thing: fear.

Fear has been my companion for as long as I can remember. Certain circumstances caused great fear to rise up in me, and unfortunately I allowed them to stay too long. Some fears that I had written about 9 years ago are still some things that crop up every once in a while, even now. I have come a long way (just ask Marc) in dealing with a lot of fears, but I'm sad that I am still dealing with some. Will I ever learn?

Lately, while studying God's Word and reading in some other books the Lord has brought to my attention so many things in my thought life that are not from Him. Some things that I have thought for years- and it's like I'm suddenly realizing that I was not made to live like this. I was not made to live in the "what-if's" of life. I know this sounds silly, but it's seriously like a light bulb has gone off in my head. (haha, no blond jokes please.) and I'm starting to taste victory in areas of my life that I never thought possible. I've done Beth Moore studies for years, I think I've done all but one of them. I've heard her speak of freedom so many times before and while I could relate in some areas, in other areas of my life I wasn't sure if I would ever be free.

I like to be in control. I like to figure out my problems, then tell God how to fix them. I like to analyze every thought, feeling, whatever, till I think I have it all figured out. Then I ask God to please do something. I've come to a place in my life lately that I am not sure what my problem is...I mean, after much wasted energy on trying to figure myself out and sort it all out for God, All I can say to God is this, "I don't know, I just don't know what to tell you. I just need You. I need You, that's all."

Posterous theme by Cory Watilo