The Ups and Downs of Motherhood

We first moved to Wales in October of 2002. Nine months later, we found out we were expecting our first baby! Total surprise, but we were very excited. A week later, I found myself in the hospital having a miscarriage. We were devastated. That was a very low point in our journey.

Seven months after the miscarriage, we found out we were expecting again! Although VERY nervous, we were very excited. I had a pretty normal pregnancy, and had a nice doctor that took care of us. He had a sonogram machine in his office (don't think American OB/GYN office, this is totally different) and we got to have a sonogram every month. This was a blessing to me because we were so nervous. It was great to see and hear our little one's heartbeat every month! Towards the end of the pregnancy, we moved to the capital-Cardiff. I still had my same doctor, so that was another blessing. D-day came, two days before my due date and sweet baby Cerys was born.

This was the most traumatic experience of my life.

I will not go into all the details here, but it was a long/difficult labor and delivery. I knew something was up when several midwives came in and out of the delivery suite and then the head midwife came in and all I could hear were muffled whispers in the corner of the room. I was terrified. An hour later, Cerys was born, but born "flat"- meaning no heartbeat, not breathing. They carried her pale, limp little body off to the side to work on her. You could have heard a pin drop in that room. I think I was probably in shock a bit, but I can remember Marc standing over my head crying and asking God to give her breath. I looked at one of the midwives and she was crying. That was not good. I asked her if we had had a boy or a girl and she was just whispered "girl". This lovely midwife stayed beyond her shift just to see Cerys born, she stayed with me after this while I was in recovery and came back the next day to check on us. She was a God-send. While not a believer, she experienced God in that room that day, whether she knew it or not! So...to make a really long story short- God answered our prayers, Cerys began breathing and was taken to the SCBU- Special Care Baby Unit, where she spent just one week! But it was the longest week of my life. I stayed in a hospital room one floor below the SCBU, and that's a whole other story...no toilet paper, no meals brought to me, and I had to ask for my sheets to PLEASE be changed after 4 days of sleeping on them. I'm sure most hospital experiences here are not like this, (at least I hope) but for some reason, this is just the way it was for me. Not a good start to motherhood. I don't think I can adequately express the exhaustion I felt that first week. Some of you know what I'm talking about. One week later, on Thanksgiving Day, Cerys was discharged from the hospital. Marc always says that was the best Thanksgiving Day EVER. :) My mom had come from Texas, thank goodness, because I could not think straight. It was November in Wales- dark, rainy, cold and the depression came on me like a tidal wave. I could cry just remembering it right now.

God in His mercy, reached down and came to my aid. It was a long 8 months or so, until I finally felt the depression lifting. We were finishing up 3 years here in Wales and headed back to Texas. I could not be more excited. I needed a break, I needed to get away from the rain, I needed to see my friends, I needed to eat Mexican food, I NEEDED to go to Target...ok, I'll stop right there. :) Anyway, needless to say, Motherhood for me had a very rough start. God bless my sweet husband who helped me through everything. I do not know what I would have done without him during that time.

So, we left Wales when Cerys was 9 months old and moved back to Texas. No job, no house, no car, nothing. It was just a little overwhelming. Not long after we got back I went to see a counselor which helped a great deal. Even though at this point I was out of the darkest part of it, I still needed to talk to someone about everything, since I hadn't told anyone really. So that was a tremendous help. At this point I had pretty much decided that I would be having no more children. Ha. That just makes me laugh. Little did I know. :)

A month after we had moved back, we went to see Marc's brother and sister-in-law in South Carolina, where they were living at the time. We have not seen them in a long time and they had added sweet little Jacob to their family, and the cousins had not met yet! We had a blast. Anyway, one day I mentioned to Rebecca that I was feeling kind of funny. I brushed it off, but a week later I was still feeling funny and had other symptoms, or shall I say lack of something. But I was on the pill and nursing, so I knew it was nothing. She told me to take a pregnancy test. I laughed. We went to Walgreens and bought the cheapest one we could find. 15 minutes later, I sat in her bathroom and cried as I watched the 2 blue lines appear. HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I BE PREGNANT!!! I was not crying tears of joy, I was in shock and that old fear had come rushing back. I was SO not ready to do this all over again.

But God is amazing. I learned so much during that season of my life. I was desperate for Him and He came through for me! I had a very good pregnancy with Bailey and a great doctor. I was very happy to have the experience of being in the States for this delivery! On our hospital tour, I started crying because the hospital was so clean and beautiful. Then they took me up to the maternity floor! I didn't realize you got to be in such a nice labor/delivery room and then you get to moved to an even nicer room! I was so excited!!! I had a scheduled induction for several reasons, but mainly to make sure nothing happened like it did with Cerys' birth. I struggled with fear and anxiety a lot during the pregnancy, and all I could think about was "what if's." I had a million questions every month for my doctor and one of them was always- "Now, you will be there for actual delivery right, because with Cerys, he never showed up! You will be there right? You won't be on vacation or anything? And you will be there right?" I'm sure she was relieved when delivery finally came so she wouldn't hear me ask her that anymore. Anyway, the night before I was feeling especially nervous. I slept pretty good and that morning before we left for the hospital, I read the following in my Daily Light "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

A few hours later, little Miss Bailey entered the world with a loud wail and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief as Marc said, "That is the best sound in the world!" We might not have been thinking that a few weeks later at 2am, but we did at that moment. :)

Now, Cerys is 2.5 yrs. and Bailey is 11 months old! It's a blast...most days. Even in the midst of potty training!

There are many ups and downs in motherhood, but I would not trade them for anything. I'm so thankful for my girls and that they are healthy and doing great! I'm so thankful for my husband for going through all this with me and still loving me. Most of all, I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing me through the darkest season of my life so far and for being all I need!

Happy Mother's Day to everyone in the States!

Posterous theme by Cory Watilo